


All My Fault

by ETNMystic



Category: Escape the Night (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation, author has been suicidal in real life, author has depression in real life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 02:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17296034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ETNMystic/pseuds/ETNMystic
Summary: "I just.....I want to be strong.....but even the strong have their limits."Wracked by guilt and depression after her best friends were nearly killed in a recent invasion, all from protecting her, Mystic makes a drastic decision to end it once and for all. After all, the Cursed God isn't here to stop her. It'll be easy that time......right?





	All My Fault

Mystic was tired.

Sitting in her bedroom at the Sanctuary, she laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling, paralyzed with depression and regret. Her thoughts keeping her from closing her eyes. There'd been another invasion from the Cursed God earlier that month. Thankfully they had been able to keep it at bay, but that battle was what was keeping her up. Sure, she'd fought in invasions before, but this one was different.

This time, she almost lost Rosanna.

Safiya.

Matt. 

Mystic knew that they had experience in fighting, but this battle nearly killed them. Matt took a stab wound near the lungs after Willie had attempted to kidnap Mystic. Any closer and he would've been a goner. Safiya nearly had the life choked out of her by Nicholas when he found where she and Mystic had been hiding. A second longer and she would've stopped breathing. Rosanna had taken a shot to the top left of her chest, missing the heart by a mere inch, after refusing to give Mystic up to the Cursed God. If it'd been any further down, her kind and pure heart would've stopped beating. 

They'd all been moved to the infirmary for the past two weeks, and everyone else continued business as usual. But not Mystic. How could she, after they'd nearly died trying to protect her? She'd spent the past three weeks in her room, barely coming out, only to use the bathroom and maybe shower once in a great while. Her appetite had waned; she'd barely eaten anything and she refused to speak to anyone, no matter who it was. And sleep was nearly nonexistent, as the fight would play over and over in her head; Matt yelling after he'd been stabbed. Safiya desperately gasping for air when Nicholas had been antagonized by someone else, just before collapsing. Rosanna's cry of pain after taking that gunshot. 

_All your fault..._

That was the phrase that would echo in her head every single night since.

Matt's stab wound.

_All your fault...._

Safiya's severe shortness of breath.

_All your fault......_

Rosanna's gunshot wound.

_All your fault....._

She'd taken up scratching, biting, cutting herself, anything to take her mind off of the emotional pain, but it was useless. The fact was there. The whole reason there'd been an invasion in the first place was because the Cursed God wanted her so badly. If she had been left in that forest, none of these things would've happened. Matt wouldn't have a bandage on his stomach. Safiya wouldn't have had to been given oxygen everyday those past few weeks. Ro wouldn't have a bandage on her left shoulder. Everything was her fault. All her fault.

_All My Fault._

She couldn't take this guilt anymore. She'd caused her friends enough pain as it was. It was time for them to be relieved of it. Slowly she got out of bed and walked catatonically past the bedrooms, staring straight ahead, almost hypnotized. On her way, she thought she heard a few doors opening, but she didn't mind them. 

Mystic slowly walked up the stairs and out the front door before stopping in front of her final destination; the observation tower. It was a good 60 to 80 feet drop from the observation deck. It would certainly be enough to end the pain. Hell, she'd even land outside of the sanctuary to spare them the sight of the carnage. Plus with her gone, the Cursed God would be defeated. So it was essentially a win-win. 

Reaching out, she grabbed the ladder and climbed up slowly; by this time, all she could see was right in front of her. Pushing herself up, she turned left to face the Observation Deck railing, the side that led out into the forest. The railing dividing the sanctuary from the forest was flat, so she could stand and admire the view a final time. 

 _My existence is selfish, but it'll all be over in a few moments,_ she thought.  
_There'll be no more pain. The Cursed God will have lost. Rosanna, Matt, and Safiya will no longer have me as a burden. It's the lesser of two evils._

Taking her final deep breath, she reached out for the railing to pull herself up and stand. 

"Mystic," a tear-choked voice squeaked.

Shocked, Mystic whirled around to see Rosanna. Tears were streaming down her face as she stood in the night in her pajamas. 

"Ro," Mystic said.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Turning back around, Mystic put her hand on the railing and prepared to pull herself up.

"Mystic!" Ro cried out horrified.

"It's okay," Mystic assured her, a small amount of frustration entering her tone.  
"I won't be a burden to you any longer."

"You're not."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying to----"

"SHUT UP!" Mystic snapped furiously as she whirled around, letting go of the railing.  
"You, Matt, and Safiya were nearly killed trying to save me! Everything would be better if I was dead. The Cursed God would lose and you three wouldn't come so close to death! So just please let me kill myself!"

Hearing this, Ro's face was fear-stricken, not with fear of Mystic, but with fear FOR her, something Mystic could see plenty of in her eyes. Those soft, brown, doe eyes, begging and pleading with her to reconsider. It reminded her of all the pain she'd experienced in past suicidal and depressive episodes. 

Tears began to form in her eyes and her heart began to break. For the past three weeks, she'd tried so hard to keep the pain hidden. She didn't want anyone to worry, but those brown doe eyes were all it took for everything to pour out. She fell to her knees, her hands in her face as she wept in agony.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered.  
"I just want the pain to go away. If I was dead, none of this would've happened. I wouldn't be a burden."

Ro knelt down beside her, tears streaming down her face as well.

"Do you want a hug?" she asked gently.

"I don't deserve one," she cried.

"Everyone does," Ro told her.

Hearing this Mystic looked up at Ro, her glasses stained with tears. 

"I'm sorry," she gasped shamefully.

"You don't have anything to apologize for," Ro told her.

"I didn't want to cause you any pain. Would it have hurt you if I killed myself?"

"Yes," Ro sighed.  
"It would hurt so many of us if you killed yourself."

"See? I can't win!" 

Her ears suddenly picked up another set of footsteps climbing up the ladder. Peeking up past the edge was Safiya. Mystic could tell that she was trying to hold tears back.

"Hey," she greeted them quietly.

"How did you find out?" Mystic wondered shamefully.

"Ro saw you walking past her room and she got Matt and I because she was scared you might try to hurt yourself."

"I just wanted to end the pain," Mystic admitted.  
"I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't have to apologize for being in pain," Safiya told her.

"But it hurt Ro to see me try to kill myself."

"But you stopped."

"Because I didn't want to hurt her."

Safiya sighed.

"I mean, it's definitely a start. But like I said, you shouldn't have to apologize for being in pain. Emotional pain is just as valid as physical pain."

A small gust of wind blew past them, causing a chill to creep through their spines. 

"Do.....do you think we can go inside?" Mystic asked meekly as she shivered.  
"It's getting really cold out."

She tried to stand up, but the weeks of malnourishment, emotional exhaustion, and lack of sleep caught up with her, causing her to feel dizzy as she stumbled.

"Oh my God!" Safiya gasped, grabbing ahold of her to keep her balanced.  
"What happened? Have you been eating okay?"

In response Mystic gave a shameful shake of her head.

"I didn't have much of an appetite. I also couldn't sleep these past few weeks."

Safiya's eyes then caught a glimpse of her arms. There weren't many scars, but they were noticeable. She decided not to ask about them right away, though.

"Just hold on to me," Safiya told her.  
"I can help you down the ladder."

"But your lungs," Mystic gasped.

"They're doing better," she assured her.

Reluctantly, Mystic held onto Safiya as they climbed down the ladder, Ro following close behind. As they headed back towards the entrance, Mystic saw Matpat at the door and she felt a wave of shame hit her.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered as soon as they made it to the door.

"Please don't apologize," Matt choked, trying to hold back tears.  
"The pain's not your fault."

"Let's just get back to the bedrooms," Safiya said. 

* * *

 

After taking the elevator, the four of them headed back to the bedrooms, but they stopped a few meters away from Mystic's room.

"This isn't my room," Mystic told them confused.

"We know," Safiya assured her.  
"But we want you to be safe. It's like when you told us you'd been hospitalized that one night. It's standard protocol."

"I'm not gonna do it again tonight," Mystic responded, a little peeved.

"Please," Ro squeaked concerned.  
"Just please let us keep you safe."

Sighing Mystic reluctantly let them lead her into Ro's room. The bedroom was decorated in cute pictures of her dog Cookie, of her Nerdy Nummies treats, and her friends. A lot of the color palette included white and rose-gold. 

"Okay, up we go," Matt groaned as he helped Mystic up onto the large, soft bed. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Mystic began repeating the second she laid down on it until Matt stopped her.

"Why are you apologizing?" he asked sincerely as he, Ro, and Safiya sat on the bed with her.

"Because I hurt you again. That's why I wanted to kill myself. If I wasn't such a burden, you three wouldn't have almost been killed in that battle."

"It's okay," Safiya assured her.  
"We knew what we were getting into by protecting you, and we were willing to risk it---"

"Because otherwise, the world would be doomed."

Safiya was silenced by this for a few moments as she considered the thought.

"Partially, yes," she admitted.  
"But also because we care about you as a person."

"You're such a sweetheart," Ro told her.  
"And the world needs sweet people like you."

"No," Mystic denied.  
"The world needs sweet people like YOU, Rosanna. I'm nowhere near as sweet."

"But you still have a good heart," she reminded her.  
"You care about people and I know that the world doesn't always take kindly to sweet people, but you make an impact on others. You've changed people's lives, even if you don't know it."

All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. Safiya went to get it.

"Oh hey, guys," she said quietly to whoever was on the other side.  
"Yeah, no, we're managing. We just.....we're managing."

"Who is it?" Mystic asked.

"One sec," Safiya told them before turning around to Mystic.  
"It's Gabbie, Colleen, and Liza. Do you want them here?"

Mystic nodded.

"They can come in for a bit if they want."

Safiya turned back to the door.

"She says it's okay for a bit, if you want to......Okay."

Safiya stepped aside to let the three of them in.

"Hey, guys," Mystic sighed through tears.  
"I'm sorry I look like a mess."

"It's fine," Gabbie assured her.  
"Do you wanna talk about what happened?"

Mystic nodded.

"If you don't mind."

"We wouldn't be in here if we did," Liza told her kindly.

Giving a little sniff, Mystic revealed her arms. 

"I nearly killed myself tonight," she admitted ashamed. 

There wasn't really much of a visible reaction, but she didn't care.

"I just felt really guilty because these three nearly died trying to save my ass in that invasion a few weeks back. I figured that if they didn't have that burden, it wouldn't have happened nor would it happen again. I also thought that the Cursed God would lose."

More tears formed in her eyes as her throat choked up.

"Ro?" she squeaked.  
"Is.....is that hug still available for me to have? I think I need it."

"It always is," Ro told her kindly as she scooted near her before enveloping her in a warm, loving hug. Mystic wept a little more as Ro rocked her and rubbed her back. 

"Do you, by any chance, have depression?" Gabbie asked seriously, but kindly.

Mystic nodded.

"And anxiety."

"Okay."

"Why do you ask?"

"I feel like that might explain why the guilt might be affecting you so deeply."

"My autism is likely part of it as well."

Mystic sighed sorrowfully.

"I just.....I want to be strong.....but even the strong have their limits."

"You are strong," Matt told her.  
"Being open about your pain is one of the hardest things to do."

"But if I tell people that I'm in pain, they'll be put off by it and leave me."

"Then let them leave. You have people who aren't put off by that. You have me."

"And you have me," Ro added on gently as she gave her a soft kiss on her head. 

"And me," Safiya said.

"And us," Colleen, Gabbie, and Liza added.

Mystic looked up at all six of them. These six people; they cared about her to the point where they'd try to stop her from killing herself. They certainly didn't have to.

"But......that invasion...." she sighed.

"I knew what I was getting into," Ro assured her.  
"So did Matt and Safiya. We'd rather take the bullet than lose you."

They nodded in agreement.

"But......" Mystic squeaked.  
"I don't want to lose you either. If I do get captured, I want the Cursed God to spare all of the agency. Or at least you six. And I still don't understand why it wouldn't be better for me to just kill myself. The Cursed God wouldn't have anyone to use as a power source."

Matt and Safiya glanced at each other concerned. 

"I think it'll be better if we find the tokens," Matt hesitated.  
"That way the Cursed God will die and you'll still be alive."

Safiya then turned back to Gabbie, Liza, and Colleen.

"It's really late. You three should get to bed."

The trio walked towards the door. Seeing this as her chance, Mystic got off the bed and went towards the door.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Safiya stopped her before she could get past.  
"Where are you going?"

"Back to my room," Mystic sniffled.

"I told you already," she responded in gentle concern.  
"You're staying here."

"I'm not a little girl!"

"I know," Safiya sighed.  
"We just want to be sure you're safe."

 

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Colleen asked Mystic.

"I.....I don't know."

"Don't worry," Safiya assured them.  
"Ro's room is between my room and Matt's."

"Mystic," Gabbie said.  
"If you ever wanna talk about depression and anxiety or just need someone to listen to, just ask, okay?"

"Yeah, and if you can't ask Gabbie, then you can ask me; I'm less intimidating," Liza piped up.

"I am NOT intimidating," Gabbie giggled.

This also made Mystic smile a bit. 

"If you need someone to cry with, I'm open," Colleen assured her.  
"Also hugs. I'm open for hugs."

"Thanks," Mystic replied.  
"Have a good night."

"You too."

Safiya closed the door as Mystic gasped.

"My unicorn!"

"Huh?"

"I usually sleep with a stuffed unicorn named Sparkles. If it's not too much to ask, could you please get her from my room?"

"Yeah, no problem," Safiya agreed, heading out the door.

She then turned to Rosanna who was getting the bed set up all comfortable. 

"This is......kind of surreal."

"What is?" Rosanna asked curiously.

Mystic grasped her elbow, rubbing her hand up and down.

"Well, whenever I felt sad or anxious or if I was having a depressive episode, I'd often watch one of your videos cuz watching you would make me feel better."

Ro turned around and put a hand over her heart.

"That's so sweet," she smiled.

"But the surreal thing is that now it's happened in real life."

A few moments later, Safiya returned with her unicorn. Mystic took ahold of her and pressed her to her chest and twisted slightly from side to side. Ro couldn't help but giggle.

"See? You impact people's lives for the better," she assured her.  
"Just by being your cute self."

Mystic felt her cheeks flare up red. 

"And please," Matt told her.  
"Don't be afraid to talk to others if you're in pain. There's no shame in it. All of us would rather you share it than keep it bubbling inside of you."

"Thanks," Mystic replied quietly.

"If you need anything," Safiya reminded her.  
"I'm just next door."

"Me too," Matt assured her.  
"Maybe tomorrow you and I can talk some theories together."

"And I'd absolutely love to bake with you," Ro told her.  
"I've heard you make really good chocolate chip cookies."

"Plus, we're theatre kids," Safiya pointed out.  
"You and I could probably discuss some Tennessee Williams sometime."

"We could do karaoke," Matt suggested.

"Oh!" Ro gasped.  
"Yes! I love singing!"

Mystic's mind was already flooding with some serotonin or dopamine or whatever those feel-good chemicals she's deficient in are called just from hearing about these.

"But first, we should all get some sleep," Safiya told them.

"Good night," Matt said.

"Night."

"Night," Mystic echoed as the two of them went to their rooms. 

Mystic turned back to Ro, who had finished setting up the bed; anxiety began to emerge.

"It's okay," Ro assured her.  
"I promise I don't bite."

Timidly, she walked up and got into bed while Ro turned off the lights.

"Hey, Mystic," Ro said as she got into bed.

"Yeah?"

She turned to see Ro smiling gently at her.

"Thank you for being alive."

Mystic smiled back as a few tears fell down her face.

"Goodnight, dear," Ro said.

"Night."

As Mystic dozed off, she couldn't help but think about the night. This wasn't the first suicidal episode, and she knew it probably wouldn't be the last either. But now she knew one thing; the next time it would happen, she wouldn't have to face it alone. 


End file.
